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Geneva, Switzerland -

Swiss scientists at the Geneva Band Discovery Lab (GBDL) called an emergency press conference early Thursday morning to announce a stunning development in their research: Using what data and research they had about American rock band Hoobastank, they were able to, within a reasonable margin of error, determine the existence of Guess Hoobastank.

Using findings from decades-old research that had been largely forgotten since the 1960s, scientists were able to formulate a better picture of our current reality that includes the existence of Guess Hoobastank.

“It’s fascinating how research that old, which seemed useless at the time…


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Man photo created by wayhomestudio — www.freepik.com

Oh, did I just hurt your feelings with my facts and logic? Let me just take a big sip of “don’t care” juice from my novelty mug labeled “YOUR TEARS”. If you’re looking for an apology, you’ve come to the wrong man. God, I wish my wife and kids were still with me so I could recount this debate evisceration to them…

The key to winning a debate is keeping your cool. This is something my ex-wife never understood, even when I reiterated this fact as she was walking out the door. A good debater has conditioned himself to suppress…


Skeleton and pumpkins and cobwebs
Skeleton and pumpkins and cobwebs
Photo from Pexels

Spooky season is here! The leaves are changing colors, there’s a nip in the air, and my mom finally took all the Halloween shit out of my bedroom.

Eleven months out of the year I struggle to fall asleep in my bed, sandwiched as I am between a full ream of novelty gravestones and a college biology department’s worth of life-size skeletons. But during October? I have room to do whatever the hell I want while the decor gets to fulfill its purpose on the front lawn.

You’ve seen our yard. It’s the one with a full-sized tableau of seven-foot…


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It’s no secret that the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic has changed the way the American workplace operates. Office dynamics and expectations will be completely different moving forward into future fiscal years. But one important thing hasn’t changed: a good employee’s need to impress their boss.

I’ll admit, I’ve had many sleepless nights trying to devise new ways to debase myself in order to demonstrate my value to the head honcho in order to increase the odds of getting a little crumb of a raise once employee reviews come around again. Unfortunately, the most powerful techniques an experienced Boss-haver has in their…


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Well, well, well. If it isn’t “Mister Contrarian” swooping in once again to rain on my parade. I hope you’re happy. My favorite media property’s newest movie had a flawless Rotten Tomatoes score until you decided to whip out your party-pooper cannon and unleash a scathing “I thought this movie was just okay.” I thought I could enjoy this, but you simply won’t let me. You see, in order for me to truly enjoy something, I have to know that literally everyone else also likes that same thing.

I can’t believe you’d do this to me. Does seeing someone like…


A picture of myself and one of my dogs, a rescue by the way, walking into a sunset.
A picture of myself and one of my dogs, a rescue by the way, walking into a sunset.

After shocking footage of a fireworks factory exploding in a place called Beirut, I was shocked. Absolutely horrified. Disgusted. It’s an outrage. It seems these days people just want to antagonize the mental well-being of our neighborhood dogs.

I’m a lifelong dog dad. I have two lovely pit bulls (yes, they’re rescues). I don’t know what I’d do without them. Sure, I saved them (again, rescues), but in a way… they saved me. And I’ll be danged if I’m going to let them experience more trauma just because some hooligans want to explode a fireworks factory.

Now, I live in…

Alex Bergmans

Detroit based comedy performer and writer. CEO at My Own Boss.

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