Five Foolproof Ways To Impress Your Boss That Are Too Friggin’ Hard To Do Now Because of COVID-19

It’s no secret that the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic has changed the way the American workplace operates. Office dynamics and expectations will be completely different moving forward into future fiscal years. But one important thing hasn’t changed: a good employee’s need to impress their boss.

I’ll admit, I’ve had many sleepless nights trying to devise new ways to debase myself in order to demonstrate my value to the head honcho in order to increase the odds of getting a little crumb of a raise once employee reviews come around again. Unfortunately, the most powerful techniques an experienced Boss-haver has in their arsenal can no longer be used because of those pesky pandemic precautions! Dang it! Here are the five foolproof methods that we’ll miss the most moving forward.

  1. Bringing in homemade baked goods.

Your boss, like most people, probably has a sweet tooth. And there used to be no simpler way of getting on their good side than bringing in a tray of snickerdoodles you claim your fictional wife (who you invented to seem way more normal) baked. But then COVID happened. UGH. Now everybody’s worried about spit flying everywhere while we’re eating food and so they don’t want to touch your fake wife’s snickerdoodles, which is gonna upset her! Plus, tensions at home were already gonna be so high with your fake mother-in-law coming to visit…

2. Holding a golf tee in your mouth while your boss hits impressive drives off of it.

All bosses love golf. It’s just as much a part of their DNA as whatever trait makes them self-flagellate in front of you when you request a week off for your honeymoon with your fake wife. The best way for a boss to hone their skills on the links is to practice practice practice. Ordinarily, that’s where you would come in: volunteering to lie on your back, putting a golf tee in your mouth, and letting your boss crank a high-powered mega drive into the horizon while you say “great shot” through bloody, gritted teeth. But at the moment there doesn’t seem to be an effective face mask that combines both the protective covering of the mask with the tee-steadying ability of your nice chompers.

3. Performing the song you wrote about your endless respect for them.

Writing a love song, whether platonic or otherwise, is the ultimate display of respect. Songs of respect have a rich history that dates back to the times of William Shakespeare, I assume. Every now and then it was good to flip the repression switch at the office and sing a heart-felt ballad about how efficient your boss is at performing their duties. But do you think Captain and Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” would have the same captivating effect if performed over a Microsoft Teams call? Heck no! This virus has ruined one of the most touching and pure ways of an employee connecting with their supervisor.

4. Chewing up your boss’ food and spitting it into their mouth

Research has probably shown, at some point, that being a boss is one of the hardest jobs out there. They have many responsibilities, like telling their employees what to do, etc, and likely get exhausted from all of their hard work. I’ve had many bosses who, come lunch time, sit in their office and howl in agony because their jaw was too tired because they talked so much during their last meeting. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, gone are the days when an attentive employee could swoop in and save the day by chewing up their falafel pita wrap and spitting it into their bosses mouth like a baby bird.

5. Cleaning up the corpse of the man he hit while drunk driving.

It may be hard to believe, but bosses are human, just like you and me, and theoretically my fake wife. When it becomes time to figure out which employees are getting bonuses or raises, one of the first things that comes to a boss’ brain is “Who helped me out when I was in a jam?” That’s why when your boss inevitably has too many drinks at an evening business meeting and hits a man walking on the side of the road after falling asleep at the wheel of their Tesla, it’s good to be the first person that springs to their mind to come “take care of the issue.”

However, the transmission of COVID-19 through bodily fluids like blood make this technique a bit of a “moral grey area.”

This unprecedented pandemic has been difficult on all of us, including our bosses. But we are looking to the future and adapting to the changes coming our way. In many ways, I feel us and our bosses will come out of this stronger than ever!

Detroit based comedy performer and writer. CEO at My Own Boss.