Let People Enjoy Things. I Mean It. Hey, Don’t Walk Away From Me!

Well, well, well. If it isn’t “Mister Contrarian” swooping in once again to rain on my parade. I hope you’re happy. My favorite media property’s newest movie had a flawless Rotten Tomatoes score until you decided to whip out your party-pooper cannon and unleash a scathing “I thought this movie was just okay.” I thought I could enjoy this, but you simply won’t let me. You see, in order for me to truly enjoy something, I have to know that literally everyone else also likes that same thing.

I can’t believe you’d do this to me. Does seeing someone like me enjoying something make you mad? I simply have to assume that, since someone not enjoying a movie I’m trying to enjoy makes me mad. I’d have to assume that’s true. Stop walking away from me.

Are movies not allowed to just “have fun” any more? I mean that’s why we go to the movies, anyways. Did seeing a 2.5 Billion Dollar box office haul irk you? No, I’m not following you home, we just happen to be walking the same way. You understand, don’t you, that not every movie that comes out has to be a dramatic epic in the OWCU (Orson Welles Cinematic Universe) about a dying Newspaper Magnate who’s obsessed with his (SPOILER, CHILDHOOD SLED REDACTED)?

You must be real fun at parties. That’s sarcasm by the way. Just making sure you got that, since apparently you have a habit of “not getting” things, such as the most recent installment of a multi-billion dollar media franchise. Oh good! A “Don’t Walk” sign. Can’t jaywalk your way out of this. Let me try that again. You must be real fun at parties. I would know, since I, the guy having a meltdown about one negative review of something I like, am fun at parties.

I’ll give you another chance at redemption. You can watch the movie again. Some believe that you can’t truly understand a movie until you see it three, maybe four times. Redemption is always possible, as evidenced by (SPOILER, CHARACTER REDACTED)’s arc in the most recent installment of my favorite media property. Maybe you were shocked by the progressive values Walt Disney Studios lightly hinted at in this movie. Was that why you lashed out with a microaggression against Disney? I’ll cut you a little slack: not everyone can evolve with the progress of the times. But c’mon.

Okay, whew. You have a brisk pace, let me catch my breath.

We have the best fanbase in the world. A supportive community who will meet up, do cosplay, decorate our desks with merch, and sit through ten minutes of credits just to see a hint at the next movie in the franchise. Billions of people worldwide agree with me… and yet you deny me the pleasure of enjoying this movie with your vile lukewarm reviews.

Let people enjoy things. That’s all I ask. I can’t enjoy them until everyone else promises that they also enjoy them.

Where are we anyway? Could you call me a Lyft? My phone’s dead.

Detroit based comedy performer and writer. CEO at My Own Boss.