Scientists Believe Hoobastank Implies the Existence of Guess Hoobastank

Geneva, Switzerland -

Swiss scientists at the Geneva Band Discovery Lab (GBDL) called an emergency press conference early Thursday morning to announce a stunning development in their research: Using what data and research they had about American rock band Hoobastank, they were able to, within a reasonable margin of error, determine the existence of Guess Hoobastank.

Using findings from decades-old research that had been largely forgotten since the 1960s, scientists were able to formulate a better picture of our current reality that includes the existence of Guess Hoobastank.

“It’s fascinating how research that old, which seemed useless at the time, was able to crack this wide open,” said laboratory director Jean Bodmer, “But once we saw documentation of a band called The Who and a band called The Guess Who existing simultaneously, we couldn’t contain our excitement.”

Milestone discoveries like this are what GBDL scientists live for.

“Now that the first domino has fallen, so to speak, it won’t be long before we confirm the existence of Guess Hootie and the Blowfish,” Bodmer excitedly announced. “And Guess Hüsker Dü won’t be far behind.”

The GBDL has previously made headlines in the early 90s when they used findings about the band The Verve to discover the existence of The Verve Pipe.

What the existence of Guess Hoobastank will mean for the world as we know it remains to be seen. It could be years before this discovery could bring meaningful change to our everyday life.

The excited scientists weren’t playing coy about what developments we may see in the future.

“I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” Bodmer said, “But I’m confident that we will be confirming the existence of Eagle-Eye Buckcherry by Spring 2021 and possibly Godsmack You! Black Emperor by 2022”




Detroit based comedy performer and writer. CEO at My Own Boss.

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Alex Bergmans

Alex Bergmans

Detroit based comedy performer and writer. CEO at My Own Boss.

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